"...No, I don't wanna play that part..."

It's been a while since the last time I updated my blog. 

Well, I always say that every time I got the chance to update things here. lol. Well, to be honest, I 

didn't know why every time I update something here, it's always be the sad stories of mine. 

Looks like I got more sad situations rather than some happy thingy huh? 

Well, that's life, I guess. Seriously, I think I remembered anything that made me sad, rather

than remembering those things that made me happy. 

Cause for me, it feels like things that make me smile, only happen idk, once a year, maybe? 

Hell it won't last for a day! Like when I feel happy that morning, there's always a

thing happen at night that make me sleep with my tears falling down my cheeks. I hate it 

when that happen. I meant, for God's sake, what the hell is wrong with me? 

What have I done wrong with my life?

"....everyday is a punishment..."

Reminiscing.... that's what I'm doing lately. I thought about those things that made me sad, and hell yes, trying to remember those happy memories like hell..

Try to think of it, should or shouldn't I regret all? No... Imma keep everything inside me. Seriously, he stressed me out by saying that he is making it real between us, even without tittle, or label.

So, Okay.. Imma stick with that.. He told me that he loved me seriously, and there's no other than me.

I kept on pushing him, in term of his past relationship with that girl. Cause yes, right now I knew that, that girl are trying to get things back together just like her past. But Ajin told me that there's no way he'll be contacting that girl. He said that he won't be picking up someone's else left-over.

It's kinda harsh to say thing like that here. But in silent, Im happy that he thought of it like that.

It's also as his own reminder for not getting back with his past. I know the stories between both of them, and yes, their own personal stories. Ajin told me some of it as well. But nah, Im not gonna put my nose inside their stories. They have their own love story, so do I. So imma just gonna focus on mine. (yea, it does hurts me when I was thinking about their past)... They've known each other for years! But me, I only knew Ajin about 1years and 10months. So, I knew how it feels like to let go something that you've so much to remember...

"....finger's crossed and just let things happen...."

Only God knows how much effort I've put in our relationship... 

now, he likes to say or call me with something that made me smile every time he does that. 

Once, he called me like what he used to call me when we're a couple. He called me 'baby'... I stunned. Even its just from a phone call, but it seems unreal. He usually called me 'sayang' every time we're on-call or when we meet. But, that one day, seriously, he reminds me of our old relationship.. That moment, that exact time, he suddenly called me 'baby'... It felt like the time has freeze for a moment... Am I hearing thing? or is it just me?

No... he made me smile, for real, without any lies or just faking a smile. 

He DID made me smile that day... Seriously, how I wish I can hear it once again.. Just for once.. but if he wanna say it over and over again, I won't mind that :) hehee.~

So, in return, I, myself did called him something that gonna remind him.. I called him 'dear'... Ya okay, his ego is higher, Gawd! hahaha. So he pretend to say that I like it when I call him like that, but actually, he was smiling too. I know laa from his voice. hahaha... 

"....seriously, he did say that clearly..."

'Fiancee'....that's what he called me as well... But only for once... And he did asked me what kind of design that I would like for my ring... Is he asked me for real or what ?? Cause he shouldn't joke about things like that to me.. Im kinda sensitive.... lol.. Well, I meant, that is what every girl's can dream of, right?? And he ever asked me 'Bila mau tunang?' and 'Umur kao brapa kao mao tunang/kawin?'... Well, he will say that every time I get mad at him... and yeah, I smiled because of that too.. :)) Guess it's just a joke, huh? So i won't be mad at him anymore... Idk.~

"....finally, the feelings inside me, that can't be put in words..."

There's this one song in my phone that kept on shuffling to my ears recently... For me, this song used to be like any other Beyonce's singles.. But now, this song does make sense. The lyric, are the same as my bottled feelings right now. The feelings that I can't put up to words for a long time... And she pictured it perfectly with how I felt....here's some of the lyrics that seriously matched my feelings inside....And how I wish he knows how I feel.~

"...You're the only one I wish I could forget..The only one I love to not forgive..And though you break my heart...You're the only one..."

"...And though there are times when I hate you 'cause I can't erase...The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face...And even now while I hate you it pains me to say...I know I'll be there at the end of the day..."

"...Something that I feel I need to say... But up 'til now I've always been afraid...That you would never come around...And still I wanna put this out..."

"....You say you got the most respect for me... But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me.. And still you're in my heart... But you're the only one"

"...And yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain... 'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away... Oh, but now I don't hate you, I'm happy to say.. That I will be there at the end of the day"

"...Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh... I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah... Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free... To spread my wings and fly away, away with you...' 

Exactly.. this is exactly what I wanted to say to you... But Im afraid that you'll walk away from me... That is why I kept everything inside me... It's hurt to endure all things by myself, especially when the situations are caused by two people, you and me... But it hurts the most when it comes to another person... third party..

"....if I have to knees and beg, I would..." 

Like what the quotes would say, 'Some bitches just don't know how to count..' Agree. Relationship are only for 2/TWO people.. Up until now, you never respect my relationship, girl... That is one of the reason why I lost my respect towards you...If I can stress this out to you, or if I have to knees and beg, I would... Let me have a happy life with him now... Even if he was not meant for me, It's okay.. Just let me finish this story between the two of us, me and him... Please...I don't want to play the Broken Heart-ed Girl... I know it's tougher for you, but please, it's over between the two of you.. Now it's my story with him... Do please respect that.. I don't mind if you wanna kept your memories with him forever, every girls would do the same... If he was meant for you, and not me, he'll come back to you... That's our faith.. No one can change God's will... No one.....

Tired with all the dramas...tired with my life...but still, im not gonna give up on him...never.~